f69ked @[email protected]

it's fucking weird to realize how and when you dissociate

that is all

e sent me a pic and omfg he's screaming hot in it. arrrgggh

please make sure all your trashposts are in conformity with the trashpost standard as published. comply or else! 🙂 🙃

"You knew you wanted this when you came in, babe." (And he *is* the kind of guy who can say 'babe' at just the right time to make you quiver like your bowstring snapped, he's growly and definitely enjoys sadism.)

that phrase coming to haunt me with just the juxtaposition of aching deep inside while letting yourself feel powerless properly, and feeling filled up after a sense of subjugation like that is conveyed.

fuck, I miss him. and I'm a bad fuckin' person for missing him like a complete perv in too many ways.

I'm not normally into taking a risk but life is complicated, amirite?

"Rule Number Three: Fucked up situations call for fucked up solutions."

ha ha, only terrified hell cut off contact with me 🙃

found myself using extra sleep meds last night and fantasizing about E giving me a massage but drugging me before it so I'd be a helpless mess while he fucked me into unconsciousness 😳 😏

so hard to remind myself that taking pain meds is not wrong 🙃

had more sex. still don't know what's stabilizing psychologically.

we'll have to see.

well, all reports in suggest wife's happy, and we're both less frustrated.

this is something I'll work on consciously enjoying after, well, about a hundred other things to fix.

in the meantime, coping mechanisms are working as intended

good enough.

just feel, eugh, honestly, if I think about it too hard.

so I won't. 🙃 for now.

my wife is tall and thin and I'm average and getting chubbier now, and I was never a simple woman to live with, and...

shit, I guess I really am terrified she's gonna leave me.

there's stuff to make that less likely but

all of it is extremely unpleasant (and potentially dangerous for other reasons)

and

fuck 😣

blarrrrrrrrgh

trying to be a good friend when you still want to get a wrecking from someone is

complex

at least in my tiny head

doesn't help that the wife teases me about it either 😳

anyway, so that's why I was up several hours late last night thinking about him in a Kamakura era bugyo uniform (and myself in a similarly dated kimono) I found in historical drawings 💤