f69ked @[email protected]

god damn it's easy to imagine texting him. shit.

tomorrow. but I can't perv on the poor guy. just talk to him about stuff going on with me. it's all he'd wanna hear about anyway.

yeah. that's the plan.

tfw you try to trick yourself into texting your ex at 1am

the other other ex is frigging devastated and he's still worrying enough about me to talk me through psychiatric stuff. and I'm envious.

never really was the 'ex' per se, just that he told me he was still basically hung up on his childhood love, and when they got together I just kinda blocked romantic and sexual stuff about him out, and

he's sweet but he's mentally in such bad circumstance and he's still four times more put together than I'll ever be

but eight years later?

I'm old now and it's gonna be me playing a game of wondering if he's thinking cougar, mommy, or teacher (the only sexy variations I see regularly in use), not me enjoying the beating or the fucking.

ugh.

I want to be clear this is something my brain only applies to me, and please trust I've got track record with some older folks.

the problem is that I can't see myself in these roles at all and it's frustrating like inorgasmia 😖

and of course the ex actually has a social life and gets to do tabletop gaming and shit. of COURSE he does.

goddamn. 😖

SO CLOSE but yes finally I got a real pic, he just didn't give me the smile

(but hell, he doesn't owe me anything. just total le swoon)

oh FFS do not tease me with fucking silly pictures, rabidly hot ex whose main relationship just broke up

send

me

the classic faint little guy smile

dammit

if the aftercare starts midscene is it duringcare

too easy to imagine the possibilities, too easy to see where it would go

and it helped me figure other un-sex things out, which is always nice

but seriously JFC if I hadn't been sitting in the middle of the booth and she had nudged up against my arm, 😓

your brain still does that thing when a waitress has a very librarianesque demeanor overall (no apron, tastefully delicious cat's-eye glasses, totally a little bit into your personal space) and seems to notice you blushed when she called you "my dear" with that fucking voice and jesus christ can you not I'm trying not to soak my underwear in public FFS

and realistically I know that this is delusional at best, she was just being friendly to you, frizzy shy old woman

the really intense kidnap scene from years and years back is still on my fuckin' mind and god, it wrecked me so nicely

I would have let that guy do anything he wanted to me any number of times, and he's one and done

sigh

sometimes I wish I'd been able to try sex work back when I wanted to, before I got as wrinkly/old/Q/N/Z/etc. so many reasons

it felt like it might be one of those things I could have been good at

ah well

the past is past :(

awkward: when you realize one of your family members might be the straight girl who has a gay galpal who wants to date her 👀

awkward: when you realize one of the hotels on the results when you're searching for accommodations for a family member's visit is a place you and the bf went several times 👀

so fucking weird to look through old emails and old conversations and realize I'm still into people that I never even met, barely talked to, and only really discussed specifics of sex acts with

I don't mean to get seventies about it but life is seriously a fucking trip and a half